Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten

KRISTEN: sure

CHRISTEN: thank you

KRIS: anytime

TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”

My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English

[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao

If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.

I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.

It’s your fault.

Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.

Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party

Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.

GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”

ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?

BOSS: What?

ME: I’m writing an email

BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!

ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it

This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.

I hope his new foster family is nice.

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.

Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but

Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.

This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin

I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.

Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.

Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.

Marriage Counsellor: …

I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.

Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?

Seems a bit forward

My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition

5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad

FINE!!

So I misread the ad

Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler

*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*

*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-

ope