We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
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Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
