We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
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Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?