We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
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Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.