We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
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SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
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Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
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Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
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Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
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[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.