August 8
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“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Ok, but like, how married are you?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop