The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
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Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
How dude HOW?!
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.