Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food

It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”

TWEET CALL

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[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.

VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?

Couldn’t look worse today.

Time to run into an ex…

*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them

just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers

Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.

I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius

ME: *walks by to put anything away*

WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there

Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead

What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?

ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?

CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?

ME: I am not.

“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”

Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens

After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.

I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow

I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?

Every time someone blocks you, you should lose a letter.

“Hlp! Whts hppnng? cn’t wrt nthng!”

Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now

[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebula

ENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?

Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?

“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

I love this❤️😁👍

Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)

Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.