We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
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Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.