we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
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Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread