we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
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If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
When texting a woman while she is mad and you see them 3 dots for like 5 minutes then they just disappear….. start running
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body