Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-

Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!

I’m not drunk enough for this

*gets drunk

I’m too drunk for this

Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time

We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered

Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.

Him: I’m over the moon

Werewolf doctor: you’re cured

Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years

this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home

date: I love a man who’s self aware

me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring

date: *gets super turned on*

You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.

Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize

“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”

TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”

[Dr. Strange casting read]

Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ

Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?

Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt

@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.

[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit

“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”

-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands

“I’ve been coronated”

-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

[texting]

HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?

Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium

HG: ?

N: SeNd NeWDs

EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.

Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.

I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?

Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty

I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie

Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?

A. At a secondhand store.

[inserting row in excel]

Excel: copy font format from the row above?

Me: no I’ll handle it

Excel: and copy border from below?

Me: no why?

Excel: idk :/

Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?

Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂

911: What’s your emergency?

Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.

911: How did he die?

Me: It must’ve been something I said.

I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.

And it’s about time.

Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.

If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.

date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?

professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement

Things a raccoon and I have in common:

1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.