we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
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Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.
WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.