Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.

A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.

They did it with a straight face too.

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you

Her: What’s with the bunny?

Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”

Her: Why?

Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.

If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.

I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end

“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”

Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat

Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons

Me: Want a back rub?

Wife: It depends

Me: On what?

Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?

Me:

Wife: No. The answer is no.

*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?

All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.

Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?

The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.

They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy

For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.

Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.

[IT guy on phone]

May I take control of your computer?

Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*

Err… sure.

being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons

[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son

I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.

I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”

I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’

Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.

I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.

“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.

The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.

All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?

Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.