Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya

CW- Google what?

* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit

* makes eye contact

*slow presses enter

*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*

How to beat depression:

1) Talk to someone

2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.

I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS

Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao

Me: what stopped you

henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back

[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet

Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…

Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa da

Daughter:

Me: shit

Daughter: shit

Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.

Some things are better left unsaid

Tequila – No they’re not

Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.

(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon

kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter

It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated

I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.

HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.

Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.

Really bad spell of wether.

My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me

Friend: What do you like most about Adele?

Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.

Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet

Friend: slim fast?

Me: wine

how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”

I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.

And that is why she will always be my favourite child.

Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside

Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.

It’s not you.

Just the things you say, think, and do.

What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.

If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.

I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.