Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not all heroes wear capes….

Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.

I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.

First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.

Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.

Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.

Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.

Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.

Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.

You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”

I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work

It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.

* wishes on shooting star

” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”

me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind

God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.

If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.

My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.

me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting

me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now

“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”

“Kids, I found a campsite!”

Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears

10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’

Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*

*gets down on one knee*

Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.

Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.

[eyeing a beautiful woman]

ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants

HER: they look terrible on you

Him: don’t you want your umbrella?

Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining

Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is

Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin

Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too