Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?

*removes 14 stick figures from car*

WEBMD: Enter symptoms

Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin

WEBMD: You are a jellyfish

You: “Call me crazy but..”

Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”

I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.

“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”

– A Novel About Living with Small Children

“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.

Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”

no one:

my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo

grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones

me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not

A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.

interviewer: would u say ur driven

[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]

me: oh yes

all toddlers look the same when telling a story

8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”

People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?

how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing

Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?

Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.

You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.

Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*

Me: No good

Wife: Why not?

Me: Seems shady

Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*

Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.

You’ll make me nervous.

I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.

me: this water is not hydrating me.

wife: that’s because it’s tequila.

me: that explains why I’m naked

target cashier:

[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.

Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.

The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm

“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”

*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*

I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.

I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.

Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?

Son: No.

Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.