We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
You Might Also Like
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
#parenting
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*