We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
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ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.
I was in my prime.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.