Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes

I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”

*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*

[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”

You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.

something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean

Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.

Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.

Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?

Dracula: I had to pull some strings

People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old

A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.

I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.

My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.

Great acting.. 😂

Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?

Me: That depends

Her: On?

Me: Which chin you’re going by.

Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.

Them: oh I was just talking about you!

Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha

Them:

Me: oh

Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.

If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.

Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.

So, teardrop tattoo it is.

Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,

nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh

DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.

ME: No problemo.

DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.

ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.

TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.

When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.

You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.

I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing

When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.

“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer

PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?

PHARAOH: yes, take this down

SUBJECT: ok

PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird

When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.

NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.