Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.

Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer

Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?

Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone

WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?

ME: [current world hula champion] You can try

My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…

Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today

Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah

Boss: My office please

Me: Ooooh

Boss: Not like that

Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand

Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?

I’m doing Bikram yoga today.

By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.

Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too

*brings nachos to your exorcism*

THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”

*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*

What do you call a man with no car???

…an Uber.

Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot

My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon

I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño

1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait

Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.

Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.

Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no

Nose

When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.

I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.

[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard

Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?

Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!

Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?

My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover

Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’

You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.

Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore

the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines