We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
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I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Be the reason someone burns sage.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”