Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…

And then there were 4

*Puts couch down as emergency contact*

I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms

*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it

[God creating teenagers]

What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?

[Entomologist Meeting]

Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?

Guy who named the fly: A crawl?

G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.

*walks into a restaurant*

Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.

Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card

Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.

Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”

Me: merging onto the highway

To Do List While in Jail

1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.

🙅🏻

Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.

“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven

If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.

I know that now.

I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.

Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.

Bread, a tale of tears

I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.

Incredibly it tasted amazing

Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”

[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]

me: dinosaurs can’t talk

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead, barb

I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.

CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult

If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.

The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members

Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit

If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab

I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.