We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
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I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN