We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
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Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.