We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
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If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Jurassic park gets weird
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying