Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.

“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”

-my son, blaming the victims

Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.

Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.

My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.

starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport

“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”

Christmas Day

“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”

There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,

Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot

Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.

I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

What?

*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*

THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?

THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.

Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.

Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing

Me: fine

[Later]

Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands

Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss

Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.

The nerve of some health experts.

Wanna wake your teens up early?

Cook bacon

the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget

If you think about it, technically corn dogs are just Beef Wellington in a different tax bracket.

“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.

I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge

her: wanna come over

me: can’t i’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”

I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.

I know a bad idea when I see one.

I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”