We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.
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Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
What the dentist sees
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
