We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.
You Might Also Like
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Hamburger Hinderer.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
The funk soul brother
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.