Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”

Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?

Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left

Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.

When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.

Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.

Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.

Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.

The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.

worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone

TREE: omg what happened to you

LOG: i was hacked

My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.

I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.

me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?

roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…

The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.

My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office

In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.

My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.

Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.

I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.

You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.

“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth

If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.

My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.

Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.

When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.

Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.

…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.

My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.

Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.

I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot

Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.

I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.