Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.

Wife: *packing a bag*

Me: Where are you going?

W: I’m leaving you for my boss

M: Don’t go—

W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind

M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note

W: I despise you

And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️

Nobody:

My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.

My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.

People I hate when I’m driving:

1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.

“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives

I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.

I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it

live, laugh, laundry.

In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.

alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter

Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.

What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?

When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.

me after eating Cheetos

[speed dating]

Her: Nice to meet you

Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION

good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here

bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it

good cop: god he is so bad at everything

[inventing the pelican]

god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone

my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard

Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything

t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too

[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin

[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–

[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…

[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*

Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.

Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda

The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..

I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.

“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron

For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.