Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.

Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??

Batman: no, not really-

Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE

When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”

“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs

It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.

However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.

Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away

Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life

I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.

“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”

*shakes tambourine*

“Got any others?”

*shakes tambourine*

“Sounds a lot like the last one”

Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA

PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.

“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.

On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…

A cold that will last all week

Brands during Pride

My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.

a whale would make a great christmas tree topper but only if you want a very flat, very wet tree

google: please stop

me: more frogs with teeth

i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice

Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)

The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.

Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware

I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.

I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”

🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶

Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.

Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*

“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”