We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
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I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally