We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
You Might Also Like
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Bike for sale
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Basketball
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.