We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
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[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
She was REALLY feeling it.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
me in a relationship:
The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…
Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe