Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”

That sucks. What’s he like?

“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”

But what’s his personality-

“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”

How’s his personali-

“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”

Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it

Her: I just feel so alone

Him: Jesus loves you

Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up

I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.

I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.

Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “

[1st day as a detective]

me: a vampire did it

partner: sorry?

me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire

partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-

me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants

if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.

her: that lion is charging

me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add

her: ok it has my leg, now what

I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC

When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”

Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you

If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”

You’re doing it wrong

I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?

13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.

Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.

13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”

Do I fail parenting now?

7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭

Cashier: this coupon expired last week

Me: so did this yogurt

Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

me: are u 2 girls from England

them: Wales u idiot

me: sorry are u 2 whales from England

I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…

Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.

[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.

if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies

Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.

When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug

I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen

I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.