We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
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I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
how it started vs how it ended
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
no such thing as a dumb question
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?