We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
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Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
oh shit
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Single worst piece of software ever invented
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.