“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
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My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
HELP 😭
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*