Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.

I dug a small hole in the Earth.

I did a handstand.

Im wearing the Earth as a hat.

How your email finds me

If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.

Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.

My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.

Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart

2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*

Me: not like that

Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆

I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.

Gynecologist: …

Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.

Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.

[first day as a genetic scientist]

co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves

me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno

If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.

I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.

I just want to turn off a light …

Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.

Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.

“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.

When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.

shit, they caught us—run!!!

“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”

When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”

You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH

HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.

-I say as I climb through your window

Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?

I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.

That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.

Not just when he sees me naked.

Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.

Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!

If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down

Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.

Me: These are my legs.