MUGGER: Yo give me your wallet
ME: Stand back! I have a black belt in Shaq Fu
ME: Hiii-YAH! [badly misses a free throw]
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
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I can’t wait to be the first murder victim on tv who loved ones describe as “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m actually surprised it took so long”
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I don’t eat animals because I object to how poorly they are treated and raised.
Which is why I eat well-loved children.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
If a bear approaches you, give up and let him eat you. He’s adorable and humans are overpopulated, take one for the team
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.