@runawaycupcake

“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.

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@therealeatwood

MUGGER: Yo give me your wallet

ME: Stand back! I have a black belt in Shaq Fu

MUGGER: Huh?

ME: Hiii-YAH! [badly misses a free throw]

@ThisLocalHater

I can’t wait to be the first murder victim on tv who loved ones describe as “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m actually surprised it took so long”

@junejuly12

The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.

*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*

@luckyshirt

I don’t eat animals because I object to how poorly they are treated and raised.

Which is why I eat well-loved children.

@TweetsByKaylee

kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween

dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work

kid: i didn’t-

dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch

@Home_Halfway

If a bear approaches you, give up and let him eat you. He’s adorable and humans are overpopulated, take one for the team

@MrSandeepP

Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.

@LostFelicia

Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.