“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.

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MUGGER: Yo give me your wallet

ME: Stand back! I have a black belt in Shaq Fu


ME: Hiii-YAH! [badly misses a free throw]


I can’t wait to be the first murder victim on tv who loved ones describe as “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m actually surprised it took so long”


The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.

*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*


I don’t eat animals because I object to how poorly they are treated and raised.

Which is why I eat well-loved children.


kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween

dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work

kid: i didn’t-

dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch


If a bear approaches you, give up and let him eat you. He’s adorable and humans are overpopulated, take one for the team


Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.


Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.