@runawaycupcake

“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.

You Might Also Like

@EndhooS

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

@DaHess1

If you’re a white guy and walk into Home Depot without wearing sunglasses on top of your head, they legally don’t have to sell you anything.

@Kyle_Lippert

“What do we call this war?”
“The World War?”
“No. There’s already been 1 of those”
“Uh this is a world war, too”
*the streetlights explode*

@ImSoFrancis

*tornado takes out half of my house*

Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?

@TheBoydP

How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?

Is it four? Please say it’s four.

@nyquills

Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?

Wedding Planner: what

@electrolemon

scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”

@debon7

*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

@gabbazaba

i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication