“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
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my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok