Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.

So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?

I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.

Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?

Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?

– Naaah –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one

– LOL NO –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL

*Awkward silence*

“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever

i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT

[being chased by killer]

ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?

Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open

The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.

[3am]

WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…

ME: *suddenly awake*

WIFE: …teach me calculus?

ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative

playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”

Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell

[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home

I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity

Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.

I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine

Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”

Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea

CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE

After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.

doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live

me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure

doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure

[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir

BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD

My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.