Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.

But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.

Friday

Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?

I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.

New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?

Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…

[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad

That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.

It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.

Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me

Peach Farmer: sure

Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free

Peach Farmer: well just hold on now

Him: How did he die?

Me: He was attacked by a group of crows.

Him: A murder?

Me: Well, he’s clearly not still alive, Kevin.

Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:

ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*

why no one uses midhusbands

If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.

Personal question. #JustSaying

Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??

What about that really cool hashtag we made?

They didn’t free them when they saw it??

I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.

When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.

I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!

*Backstreet Boys voice*

Am I acceptable?

Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.

*me to my dog.

[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”

Doing your job.

“And me?”

Jobless and upset about the divorce

“OMG” *runs out crying*

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.

Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.

CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.

UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*

Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats

“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market

gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”