Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What am I doing with the rest of my life?

I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…

If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away

[inventing colonization]

britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable

Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.

When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it

With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4

Taco Bell

friend: how’s the amazon job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39

*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?

I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.

My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.

[terrible nursing home]

Old guy: How did you end up here?

Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.

Him: *gasps* You monster.

Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..

I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!

But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.

Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT

This is true.

So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.

How’s your day

I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!

A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus

Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.

I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.

Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.

11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.

Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?

11: Other than that.

Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.

HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.

ME: Show me {moves closer}

HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}

ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.

Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.

Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness

the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers

God: I call it a Caterpillar

Angel: What is it?

God: A worm with feet

Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?

God: Then it grows wings

People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.