Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.

don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!

“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.

I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.

I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.

I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸

The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute

Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds

Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.

[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ

All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.

Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.

I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me

Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.

My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.

The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline

Dear Captchas,

I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid

I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.

Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up

Her: *throws up*

Him: *throws up in her hair*

Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon

Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.

Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?

ME: I love u

GF: omg

ME: and I wanna be with u always

GF: *crying*

ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–

GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG