Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.

What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?

Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough

For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.

husband: we should role play tonight

me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad

husband: huh, that’s oddly specific

me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it

(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here

Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.

dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.

I have OCD as well as ADD.

Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.

I received my electricity bill.

I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.

Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate

You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.

I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.

. : can i have that?

me: have what?

: : thanks

me. wait

⠸ : yoink

me stop that

Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.

Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl

My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.

Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost

Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy

My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage

Saw your ex at the shops

FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]

Bartenders are just boneless bars

[reptile bar]

SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie

COBRA *blushing*: tee hee

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.

My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.

when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf