We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
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5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Breaking news:
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*