Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-

Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]

Shania Twain: oh shit wow

Give me a minute, I can make this about me.

when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog

My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too

[prison]

So, what are you in for?

*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*

“Attempted murder”

Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?

Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔

My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready

I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.

Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons

For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me

dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’

Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:

6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”

Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”

6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”

Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”

Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.

“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off

Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”

me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)

wife: what are you doing?

brain: lie.

me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.

The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?

BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.

[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number

Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek

Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight

Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building

“Remember where we parked.”

-Me, to my dog.

[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*

Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.

Me: *poops all over windshield*

If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.

The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.

I need bail money.

Batman had the bat signal.

If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.