We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
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Beware of fowl play.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care