We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
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*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
I know this now 😂
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!