“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
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What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
This bar smells like my childhood.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.