“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
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sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Meow?
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up