“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
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*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
My mother had eight kids. She didn’t have time to cut our ham sandwiches in quarters. We just went to school with a bag of wheat and a live pig and figured it out.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
I meant to write, “on god” but wrote, “on guard” by accident and now I gotta duel with the homies at dawn.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here
I’m Kodak hut old. So I know a thing or two about humiliation, I had to pick up my own nudes, in person.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Me: I brought hay, but I don’t think I can fit much inside me.
HR: Did… did you think we were hiring an assistant manger?
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”