“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
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Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual