“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
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My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Passed by a old school Math example today.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.