Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼‍♂️

“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.

I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.

I’m trying to avoid the limelight.

*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*

I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog

this could fix me

Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.

Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*

Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called

Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…

so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.

I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.

I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.

Yeah. Offer delivery.

When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things

No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.

When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .

We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.

I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.

Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*

Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?

Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING

A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).

I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.

1st base: kissing

2nd base: petting

base 10: freaky math stuff

Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.

You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..

Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews

Him: I’d take a bullet for you

Me: I’ll allow it.

Good questions to ask on a first date:

*Do you have any siblings?

*What was your major in college?

*Is that your original skin?

*Do you think the humans suspect anything?

*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?

*What kind of music do you like?

Etc.

Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.