We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
You Might Also Like
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
I read that the average Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people this year will cost around $58. I can only imagine they must be figuring the 10 people will be small children and the only thing they’ll be eating is the dinner rolls
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever