We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
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Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000
Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job