We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
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My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
*wraps present*
Ugh. Where are the gift tags? Whatever, I’ll remember who it’s for.
[20 minutes later]
Shit.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
The news: Let’s ask a random idiot on the street what they think.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.