We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
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Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo
my wife: the baby’s crying
me: as he should be. it’s upsetting
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
and now we wait
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.