We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
