We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Halloween is great because it combines two of my favorite hobbies: driving out to a wet farm to handpick the heaviest inedible vegetable I can find, and taking my small disguised children out past their bedtimes to roam the streets in darkness
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Hot Hot Hot
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
