We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
You Might Also Like
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.
🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that