Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…

…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.

[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.

13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.

My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”

Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium

[Garden of Eden]

Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend

Eve: I thought I was your best friend?

Adam: I love you

Eve: aww I love you too

Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog

I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.

His mom got really mad.

Him: Why are you going in circles???

Me: I’m buffering!!!

I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.

The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy

Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate

Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.

Me: This escape room sucks

My boss: This is a budget meeting…

Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.

me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?

techician: sure..I’ll take a look

[later, ]

technician: it’s not too bad..

me: thank god..what is it?

technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders

me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?

It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft

“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”

– me, walking my dog at night

BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*

ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted

“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband

The year twenty five😃
will bring us all the pie🥧
will bring us all the pie🎼🥁
(gets pie in the face)

I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.

You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”

The answer is always, NO.

Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.

Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”

lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day

video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.

If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.

My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick