Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:

Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times

Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?

DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.

ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.

Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway

Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away

Me asks *my kid to do his home work*

My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?

wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada

me: why? he’s not driving

“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.

Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget

Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.

Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.

Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.

Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg

“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”

[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick

Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.

The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.

Florida man

You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”

Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.

Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.

[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]

Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still

God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.

I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.

Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.

Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*

5 year old: No it isn’t

I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.

. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.

My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.