We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
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I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Order here:
More here:
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
cop: you’re under arrest
me: you’re under arrest
cop: what
me: get in the car
cop: yours or mine
me: yours
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.