Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.

My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!

Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.

Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.

her: did you know Weezer covered Africa

me: [impressed] with what

TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.

If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.

The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together

“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”

All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”

6: Mom will you play with me?

Me: Sure buddy

6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ

Traffic fantasy:

– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me

Damn, this hole is wet

*I say right after stepping into a puddle

Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:

Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*

Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER

Me: *nods in agreement

Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about

White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.

WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer

The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.

*valentine’s night*

Me: I got you a new pair of shoes

Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!

Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you

if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.

bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast

I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.

periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.

Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.

Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes