“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
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When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
*pronounces fake like saké*
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Hot Panini is in big trouble
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet