Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …

If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress

My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.

Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…

Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?

shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend

Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.

6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?

Me: Uh

6: Nevermind, Siri…

[first day as a cop]

MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!

ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live

When my husband says I don’t get out enough with the kids when they’re off school in the summer, I like to remind him it’s called being a stay-at-home mom and not a leave-the-house mom.

Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.

You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.

A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator

My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…

16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come

COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake

Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now

HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF

Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo

I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.

*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY

If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”

If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.

Email: Would you like to have some fun?

Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*

Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out

I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.

No I’m not feeling old when the first member of my son’s varsity football team from hs is getting married tonight.
Not feeling old AT ALL!

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it

I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..

If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.