Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth

list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,

I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿

*attaches note to pigeon

*stuffs pigeon into envelope

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child

*family reunion*

– flirting shouldn’t be this easy

None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.

“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”

I’ve never met a libra

*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*

Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News

Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”

[2nd time at girls house]

“where’s your dog?”

Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting

[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”

Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.

There is a football player named Drew Sample?

He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.

Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”

I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.

Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf

My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!

I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same

Nobody:

My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.

ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!

I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.

Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.

After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.

[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]

That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.

Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.

British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit

Me: *no idea what that means* haha same

I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.

I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”

me