Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.

[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park

My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.

Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]

Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one

Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.

If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”

You’re doing it wrong

God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.

Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.

God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.

priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]

Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler

A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.

Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.

Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.

I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.

Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought

I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”

joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno

Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨

*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*

Cat: What are you doing?

Me: Nothing.

Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.

Me: No

Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.

Me: No way.

*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..

what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?

[first day as Uber driver]

Me: any song requests?

Passenger: no thanks

Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?

Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna

Me: A problem shared is half solved.

Invigilator: sit in the front.

ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.

I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective

Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.

Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.

Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.