We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
You Might Also Like
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you