Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.

Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”

Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her

Someone: what have you been up to?

Me: thanks, you too.

me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”

Me: Bitch, try me.

Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!

*Speed Dating*

Him: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”

[Oregon Trail 1852]

Doctor: Any final words?

Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.

It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity

an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today

WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected

ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?

We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.

Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.

At least, I think it went south.

The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”

u guys got any snacks onboard here

I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.

“I’m helping” 😅

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

Me: I don’t think I like it here

Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point

I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.

*being broken up with*

Me: I thought we were on the same page!

Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it

DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?

*takes you out several times then acts distant*

Friend: Wanna go out tonight?

Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.

It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020

This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.

Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!

– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)

Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice