Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus

Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?

My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude

A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.

The pizza theorem:

“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”

-Science

It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice

***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people

My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.

When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised

me: genocide is bad

guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?

me: it’s not

guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is

me: a-are those laminated

Lol.

You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me

Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.

Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.

I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.

[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]

*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*

Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?

TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin

Him: what are you thinking about?

Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?

Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.

Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.

Teacher: Name the continents

Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…

T: Go on

Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?

T: *sigh*

Me: South Arctica?

Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.

My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink

the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.

Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.

[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains

Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.

Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.

Me: I am above the law.

Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.

Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats

My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.