“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
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If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?